Organ Grinder:
News for Pervy Little Monkeys

Funky Polemic: A Libertine's guide to Resistance

funky (f ng k ) 1: Having a moldy or musty smell. Having a strong, offensive, unwashed odor. 2: Music. Of or relating to music that has an earthy quality reminiscent of the blues.3: Slang. Earthy and uncomplicated; natural 4: Slang. Characterized by originality and modishness; unconventional. Outlandishly vulgar or eccentric in a humorous or tongue-in-cheek manner; CAMPY.

polemic n: The art or practice of disputation: CONTROVERSY.

"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."
---- Mahatma Gandhi

While the Mahatma and I may not see eye to eye on the subject of celibacy, we have a lot to learn from him when it comes to non-violent resistance. Let's just say "resistance" is not a heavily referenced word in my dictionary unless it has to do with the fine art of lacing a corset. For the first time in my life I am feeling threatened, and for the first time in my life I am motivated to act. The dilemma that remains is not what to protest, it's how to make it entertaining.

Let's be honest: the main problem with your basic Canadian People's Uprising is not that the cause is weak, it's that the protest itself is not sexy enough. Not outrageous enough. All the earnest speakers, the hand drawn pickets, the golf clapping. It's a little too predictable. It's despicable that it has to come to this, but our politeness is far too easily edited into the sidebars. It's gonna take radical acts of creativity. It's gonna take piles of manure in driveways. Never underestimate the power of sex appeal. Use it to its full advantage.

Most Canadians need a little loosening up, a little psychic lube job. Get retro: Throw a love-in. Titillate the masses. If the powers that be won't take you seriously anyways, you might as well throw glitter to the bear pit. Who's going to get heavy on a chorus line of half nude drag queens singing "Start by admitting that from cradle to tomb, it isn't that long a stay… Life is a Cabaret, Chretien, Come to the Cabaret?" Well, Chretien might mace them, but the PRESS would be (almost) worth it.

Here we address Big Media on their own terms. Here we seduce the machine and use it to drop bombs of gonzo-love-bafflement over the airwaves: What does the media love more than anything else? What does Big Media eat, smoke, and shit 24-7, 365, live from NY it's …? After the hundredth rerun, Disaster is no longer News. It's SPECTACLE, pure and decidedly cut.

Here's where the Funky Polemics come in.

Funky Polemic: a means of resistance that uses as its tools the full resources of beauty, absurdity, and the irresistibly danceable. Funky Polemic is the art of answering a ridiculous situation in an equally ridiculous manner. Funky Polemic is dedicated to the irrevocable right to look like an idiot while engaged in the joyous pursuit of grace.

Some Examples:

· Send anonymous valentines in the mail to everyone you know. Even if you don't know them, you can say "I don't love you, but I'm sure somebody does. Just wanted you to know that." Mean it in the best way.
· Anonymously via the web: order your mother a non-refundable Hitachi Magic Wand.
· Encourage unabashed displays of affection, particularly by the elderly and the homely. The world needs love; it is the antidote to fear. Be the first on your block to start pumpin' out the love-oxygen.
· Dispatch teams of modern dancers to the Parliament buildings, where they will perform a passionate barefoot non-verbal celebration of life and freedom, then have them strip naked to reveal letters on their bums that spell out "IT'S OK, WE DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, EITHER."
· Just as we need to become more vocal about our rights, we need to become more vocal about our joy. What I'm trying to say is leave the windows open while you're making love, and encourage your hippie neighbors to do the same.
· Wear feather boas for no reason other than you can.
· Encourage public sex in the name of freedom of expression. If apprehended, exclaim in a loud voice "Wait a minute, you're standing there holding a gun and you're calling ME a menace?"
· Massage a stranger today.
· Burlesque is a very powerful word that has been hiding in the garters of our culture. It's a word that means to satirize, to exaggerate to the point of absurdity. Let's reclaim it.

To kick-start your creative non-cooperation, I humbly offer these prepackaged concepts for Funky Polemic: They are copyright free. Make up your own and send some to me.