Organ Grinder:
News for Pervy Little Monkeys

Good news! Apropos of absolutely NOTHING, I have declared November to be DILDO MONTH™! Yes, that's right dear readers; it's that time of year when whiskey, gore-tex, and dildo sales spike. It's understandable: The clocks go back, it's cold outside, people are wearing more flannel, we no longer engage in weird mating rituals on Kits Beach. What's left but wood fires, hot toddies, and regular visits to the old Tickle Trunk? Have no fear, fellas: I'm not just dishing out advice for the single ladies. Today, one can freely engage in spirited debate about jelly v. silicone, girth v. length, and balls v. no-balls with enthusiasm and sincerity, be you het, queer, female, male, or any stop in between. It's the 21st century, and it's Dildo-rific!

In honour of Dildo Month™, I have elected to bring you four distinct columns: A history of the dildo, the care & feeding of your toys, a how-to guide to convincing your boyfriend to bottom, and one more that I haven't thought up yet. Feel free to send your questions and suggestions to organgrinder@terminalcity.com.

A Brief History of the Dildo:

The origins of the dildo are remarkably hard to trace, particularly in the centuries prior to the invention of the bedside bureau. The earliest documented reference is in a Greek play from the third century BC called Olisbos!, a musical comedy about a young orphan who is adopted and taught to make phalluses out of leather, wood, and stone by an old puppeteer named Gepetto.

In Renaissance Italy, the dildo was known as a 'diletto', from the Italian word for 'delight'. Lacking Astroglide, they had to make do with olive oil for lubricant, which became known as 'dilettante', from the Italian word for Alternative Weekly Sex Columnist.

By the mid-1800s the rubber dildo had been invented. It was known as a "widow's comforter'. In Victorian society, it was widely believed that the source of all feminine psychological ailments was a 'heavy uterus', giving rise to a condition known as 'hysteria', which could only be cured by inducing a 'paroxysm'…an orgasm. In fact, if a woman reported symptoms of restlessness, anxiety, or excessive vaginal lubrication (I'm not joking) she was trotted off to the physician, who would administer a vigorous massage to her genital region. The vibrator was invented to augment this technique and get the job done much faster, enabling the doctor to attend to that many more 'patients'. To this day, vibrators are marketed as 'personal massage' units, one of them even advertising attachments "for all those hard to reach places." Uh huh. Personally, I've never had a problem reaching it, it's maintaining the 500 rpm thing that gives me carpal tunnel.

Here at home, it is a rarely admitted fact that the much-lampooned name of Dildo, Newfoundland actually originates from the late nineteenth century sex-toy boom. The fine art of dildo carving was brought to Newfoundland by visiting Nordic housewives, who had crossed the cold Atlantic to collect their husbands from the pub. For almost a hundred years thereafter, the resourceful women of Dildo created the finest recreational phalluses in the world out of leftover bits of old whales. This may be the reason why present day inhabitants of Dildo are adamantly opposed to changing the town's moniker. As one local inhabitant puts it: "If it was good enough for our forefathers, it's good enough for us." Well said, sir.

The sexual revolution brought the marketing of 'marital aids' out into the open. Unfortunately for us, the FDA and Health Canada still largely decline to recognize the health issues that surround the manufacture of sex toys. It has been proven that softened rubber products like PVC (children's) toys leak toxins, especially when pressure is applied… you do the math. The scary truth is that, because most of the toys on the market are sold "for novelty purposes only", manufacturers are not obliged to ensure that they won't, like, cause cancer 'n stuff. More on health and happiness next week in part 2 of Dildo Month™ - Sex Toys: Care and Feeding of Your New Best Friend.

The good news is that the dildo is here to stay, and there are conscientious retailers out there who won't carry the shit-ware. This is a 100% unsolicited endorsement: You should reward quality (and honour yourself) by purchasing your toys only at reputable dealers like Womyn's Ware, who have an excellent staff and an amazingly informative website www.womynsware.com. Look at it this way: You wouldn't buy a toothbrush at a low-rent sex shop. Why would you buy a dildo there? Hey, you might be frugal, but you're not cheap.