Organ Grinder:
News for Pervy Little Monkeys

It started so simply. I don't know, I was a little drunk, maybe. All I remember is fooling around in bed and I was telling him how much I like his cock; you know, how it's hard and silky at the same time, sexy, beautiful, warm, tastes good… you know, all that crap.

Of course he likes it, besides, he does it for me all the time. It doesn't sound so stupid when your mouth is full. Anyway, so I'm straddling him and sort of stroking his erection between my thighs and I say something really clever like "Your cock looks so good on me." Corny, eh? We're all hacks in the sack, my friend: "Baby. Oh. Yeah. Fuck me hard." Whatever. Face it, we all do it. It's like the language cortex is crippled by all that blood flowing south, and even the most intellectual MFA suddenly turns into the Fonz: "Eyyyy" I don't know if I'd appreciate Shakespeare between the sheets, you know? "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate"…blah, blah, blah. I'd be like "Look, either shut up and give me some oral pleasure, or take a walk, Willy." Frikkin' poets.

What? I'm not changing the subject. Ok, so I'm kind of holding his rod up to my belly and pretending like I'm stroking myself, like I'm a guy, and I'm going on, you know, like "Look at my cock, isn't it pretty, don't you want to touch me" and all that, and it slips out of my mouth: "I've always wanted to have a dick."

So what? So what?... I thought he was going to run screaming and call the authorities to have me arrested. I can see the headlines: Depraved pervert roams suburban neighborhood, brandishing schlong; 25 year old woman charged. Mother despondent.

No, not at all! He was into it. And I started explaining "Not like I want a sex change for real, I just want to be able to pull it out when I feel like it….baby, baby, yeah, etc…" And he's egging me on, asking me how I would use it, so I told him the truth and said "Well, first I'd go take a piss off the balcony, then I'd see if I could find a bowl of warm custard or a gopher hole or something." and he goes "Yeah, that's normal." And then we talked some more and eventually I told him that I'd like to, you know, do him with it.

A whole lot better than I thought he'd react, that's for sure. He says "There's a store downtown where you can go buy a dildo and a harness and I'll try it out with you if you want to". Oh my, am I really going to do this? I'm really going to do this.

It smells kind of funky in here. Incense. God, look at me, studying the incense rack. What do I do next? There's nowhere to look in this place that doesn't make me feel…weird.

Um, hi… yeah, no, actually, I really don't know what I'm looking for. I want to do my boyfriend from behind. Can you help me? No, I mean, like, help me find something… ha ha… Oh, you know what I mean. That's a relief.

Well, I guess something sort of realistic, not too big. This one conducts body heat? Really? No, I don't think he's done this before. Yeah, lube, lube is good… Now, how do I hold this thing on? So many choices, I can't believe I'm trying to decide between vinyl or leather straps. There's one thing about buying a harness, eh? If you die suddenly and someone has to clean out your underwear drawer… like, there's no chance they're gonna mistake this little apparatus for anything else, eh? Like, good luck convincing your mum it's a vacuum cleaner attachment. Oh, right, I guess you wouldn't have to, would you?

Whee! Look at me I look like John Holmes. If I lie on my side I can flop it around like those dudes in Playgirl. Do I know anyone who owns a trampoline?

Pardon? Oh, yeah, I think that's everything for today. Would you mind cutting the tags off for me? I think I'd like to wear it out.