Organ Grinder:
News for Pervy Little Monkeys

How often have you thought this as you sit under the Christmas tree, festive lights twinkling off of your twenty-seventh pair of Ben Wa balls? They say it's the thought that counts, but sometimes you want your gifts to count in other places too. It would be politically correct of me to disdain capitalistic holiday trends, so I won't. All I can say is: If you're going to give a loved one a sexy gift, make it functional or meaningful or completely baffling. Anything less is a bastardization of this sacred holiday. Hasn't Solstice been bastardized enough?

I'm going to let you in on a secret: There is no simple answer to the question of what is meaningful or functional when looking for a gift for your lover. Lots of writers and advertisers and retailers are out there trying to convince you that if you buy him this book, buy her that negligee, buy them that rubber sling, you are GUARANTEED to have THE BEST SEX of your LIFE. Guess what? THE BEST SEX of your LIFE might happen with a pair of deaf-mute backpackers on a night bus to Eugene. THE BEST SEX of your LIFE is a phenomenon that there is simply no reliable way to predict. It's like lightning. What folks are actually trying to sell you is a way to break out of your own rut, if you'll pardon the pun. Only you can identify that rut. Only you can scale it's slippery slopes. I can't identify that perfect gift for you, but in the meanwhile, I will amuse you with a few products that your lover is almost sure to find completely revolting:

DON'T: Make your own dildo at www.mybodydouble.com. According to the website, you can cast a replica of your own penis in AMAZING DETAIL! Complete penis w/balls kit: Comes with everything you'll need to make a perfect rubber replica of YOUR OWN penis AND balls in intricate detail. Reproduce each vein, bump & ridge PERFECTLY! Not to be a downer, but do you know many fellas that can maintain a perfect erection while covered in cold, minty-fresh dental alginate for twenty minutes? I thought not. Imagine how sad you will be when you spend three hours casting your cock only to find that the result looks like a septuagenarian cashew. Have mercy on yourself. Let's take a gander at the rest of the copy: The translucent rubber not only looks real, bur it even FEELS real! AND it's so durable it will probably outlast YOU! Not unless you have a degenerative disease, it won't. Rubber breaks down over time, and it's porous, so you can't share it. Think about it, the only person who is going to use it is your honey, and your honey probably gets his/her fill of that particular shape whenever she/he wants it. I say, take that US $69, buy him/her a big purple silicone wang, and stop being such a narcissist.

DO… wait a minute… no, DON'T: If you're stuck on this idea of making yourself into a gift, consider investing in a bucket of liquid latex. That way, you can make a new one every time you want to use you. If you use it right, it looks awful sexy. Actually, I haven't done any in-house research on the staying power of liquid latex (but it sounds like a delightful weekend project.) I suspect that you can't use it directly on your penis and even if you do, it won't work like a condom, protect you from pregnancy or STD's, and, on removal, would almost certainly rip out all your pubes.

In the "completely baffling" department, check out ICE PUBE the Polar Bear at www.ercollection.com. Along with his friends Masturgator and Domingo the Flamingo, these plush "beanie" toys take anthropomorphism to its phallocentric extreme. I've got fur like snow/ Two eyes like coal/ I'm "Ice Pube" / the polar bear/ With my big North Pole! Need I say more? Ick.

One last word of caution: When I did a Google search for "Sex+Gifts" I found a site advertising the following board game: "THE MOST HILARIOUS AND SOPHISTICATED ADULT PARTY GAME EVER CREATED. PASS OUT IS THE ULTIMATE PARTY GAME EVER DEVISED...PLAYERS MOVE MARKERS AROUND THE GAME BOARD AS THEY ROLL THE DICE. THEIR FAVORITE BEVERAGE MAKE THE PLAYERS SEE PINK ELEPHANTS FOR REAL... EVERYONE PLAYS TO WIN BUT THE LOOSERS HAVE ALL THE FUN!"

Rule # 1: NEVER buy anything from a retailer that can't spell the word "loser."

Rule #2: If you have to play any game that involves rolling dice OR moving markers OR drinking copious amounts of BOOZE in order to get laid… see rule #1.