Organ Grinder:
News for Pervy Little Monkeys

These are certainly entertaining times. North America is considered to be a "Christian" society, yet one of the biggest singles on the airwaves is called "I'm a Slave 4 U" as sung by a PVC-encased "virgin" with fake tits who is allegedly marketed to prepubescent girls but whose largest fan base is made up of fortysomething men with Lolita fixations. These days it is the norm to gorge on a high sugar diet of hypersexualized imagery but starve for lack of satisfying sexual congress. Until the amazing array of sensations that a human can experience on one's own is fully understood, how can we be expected to make appropriate decisions regarding sexual partners or chosen celibacy? The safest sex that can be had is masturbation, yet as recently as 1994, then US Surgeon General Dr. Jocelyn Elders was forced to resign for advocating sex education which would include information about masturbation. So where is a developing mind to look for the kind of information that it's apparently illegal to teach in schools?

Any person bold enough to seek an undistorted look at the diseased libido of (North) America need look no further than the Google search results for "masturbation." There is a tunnel in Rome near the Forum that is called the Temple of Janus, the two-faced Roman God of doorways and passageways. It is said that the tunnel was open in times of war and closed in times of peace. When it comes to strummin' on the old banjo, America is a Janus head, screaming: "self-LOVE!" "self-ABUSE!" The war is raging, the lines are drawn, the doors of the passage permanently cracked open like the spine of a bible, or a much-admired centerfold.

There aren't many people in the middle. You're either a sticky-fisted member of Camp Wankabunch or you're a bible thumper from Camp Donchutouchit across the way, and no matter which side you're on, the other guy is a sicko. (A little-acknowledged fact is that the vast majority are born in Camp Wankabunch but they get coerced or seduced over to the other side by the forces of righteousness and the threats of BURNING in an ETERNAL LAKE OF FIRE. That kind of thing makes an impression on an eleven-year-old.) Problem is, the Wankabunchers are left without any socially sanctioned method of disseminating alternative propaganda.

Some people wonder why masturbation needs to be taught, if it's such a natural phenomenon. Think about it: Masturbation may be the only bodily function your parents didn't teach you how to handle. When you're a boy you will probably have been at least partially convinced that "touching yourself" is nasty and wrong, but you go ahead and do it anyways because it was sticking right out there and getting in the way of your math homework. I really feel for young girls. For some women, no matter how sexualized, getting off on their own remains a mystery well past their teens. I was 25 years old before I could make myself come because I kept falling asleep. It never occurred to me to kneel. In the meanwhile I made some pretty hair-raising decisions about sexual partners and was often left confused and wide-awake at the end of a love making session. How could I have directed my lovers to a place I didn't know myself?

The last people most kids want to talk to about jerking off are their parents, but any concerned adult who is willing to fill the little ones in on the details runs a serious risk of transgressing societal bounds of acceptable conduct. Small wonder then that the discovery of self-love is largely an underground phenomenon, populated by misinformed pubescents bearing dirty napkin pictures.

So, who can change this? You can help if you know any teenagers. Find a way to slip them a book or direct them to some appropriate websites like www.scarleteen.com (for health, biology, and identity issues) or for straight up wanking info (like methods, lube and props) you can send them to www.jackinworld.com , which is actually much more informative than it sounds. I propose that we all do our part to further the maturity level of our society and help kids get over that uncomfortable phase while they're still teens. A dirty napkin picture fixation is just so unbecoming on a society our age.