Organ Grinder:
News for Pervy Little Monkeys

A Note to Readers: Cass King is taking part in the strange ritual known as "Christmas Holidays with the Family" and she will return next week with a guide to Sexy Vancouver. This week's guest writer is none other than The Marvellous J.

A few years ago I dated the leader of a bike gang. She'd throw me on the back of her ride, call me "bitch", make me fetch her beer at rallies… It was fun for a while. One night we were riding home from a particularly decadent party where we'd indulged in a variety of chemicals and sex acts. "I'm not particularly queer," she explained over the roar of her motor, "but I think everyone likes breasts." It was a touching sentiment. And it illustrates perfectly why straight boys should get out there and protest for hard cocks in mainstream Hollywood cinema.

I agree with people who complain about the double standard between men and women when it comes to nudity in popular entertainment. I just happen to believe that men are also getting screwed in this exchange. I mean, women get a hit Broadway show to help them get in touch with their vaginas but all you have to do is rent Basic Instinct to see the power to awe and intimidate that the pussy holds. Men, on the other hand are far more alienated from their sexual anatomy. Hollywood movies, glamour magazines and art exhibits show that it is acceptable for people of either sex to gaze upon the nude female body. The nude male body, on the other hand is so grotesque and offensive that the inclusion of an aroused penis guarantees an X rating or the loss of your NEA grant. The message is clear: Breasts are beautiful but the penis is an abomination.

And we buy this message whole. A couple of years ago in the Sex issue of my college's Arts faculty paper the editors lavishly (and rightly) praised the beauty and mystery of the vulva. When the time came to talk about the penis they said only that it "looked incredibly silly". And these were het white males talkin'. A woman who I worked with around that time could drop double-entendres like a Mensa drag queen on speed and swear like Redd Foxx with a hangover. What she could not do was abide the word "penis". If she heard uttered, she left the room. Naturally, upon this discovery, we all tried to work it into conversation as much as possible until our boss said this was sexual harassment. Even our terms for the penis reveal our distaste: Cock - a scratching, pecking, brutal beast best known for maiming and killing other cocks in paid cage matches. Prick - a painful, sharp sensation associated with drunken knife fights and HIV tests.

Now, most men I know are not interested in causing pain and humiliation to their partners. (And those that are have been fortunate enough to find partners who are happy to bottom for them.) But as long as the penis remains sheathed behind censorship, there will be people eager to associate it with the violent side of male energy - either out of ignorance or ideology.

They are wrong. Phalluses don't kill people. Phallic symbols kill people. When Osama Bin Laden sent his boys to fly those sleek metallic cylinders into those upthrusting icons of American corporate potency, what was he saying if not "my Schwartz is bigger than your Schwartz."? Ask any Catholic boys school teacher: if you block the healthy expression of anything sexual, it's bound to find an unhealthy outlet instead. Think of the lives that could be saved if the world leaders would get together and have an old-fashioned drunken frat-boy cock-length contest? I would personally pitch in for strap-ons so the women could participate (on condition that I got to keep them afterwards).

Now many het boys may be asking themselves "Why should I care if penises have this badass rep? I've got a couple of tattoos, greaser hair, a motorcycle and very little occasion to hang out with Andrea Dworkin. I call my member 'Thor'. I've got no complaints." Well, let me ask you and Thor this: if you were a woman would you be eager to take a sharp weapon into your mouth, pussy or delicate, puckered derriere? Would you want to spend a lot of time and effort learning how to expertly manipulate and salivate over some beaked, flea-bitten creature? And let's not forget that if enough boys started saying things like "You know, I'm not particularly queer, but I think everyone likes cocks." it could drastically up the pool of people on earth willing to suck you off. And that would be a good thing.