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TITLE
UP: Dr. Kegel's Power Hour!
THEME SONG
INTRO:
Gather 'round,
horny folks, and sing along with me
we're gonna play a game called "discover your PC"
Not the one that's on your desk, not "Politically Correct"
It's your pubococcygeus muscle,
and you'll find it up your rect-ummm.
….. Yee-haa!
VIDEO INTRO:
Sepia tone, a bespectacled man in his forties, wearing a lab coat and
rubber gloves, inserts a finger into something off-screen and looks up
with a "Eureka!" expression.
VOICE OVER:
Los Angeles, 1940's, gynecologist Dr. Arnold H. Kegel develops a series
of exercises to strengthen the pubococcygeus muscle and combat female
incontinence. He is later able to demonstrate a 93% success rate in that
field. In almost every case, his patients report greater sexual satisfaction
and improved sexual response when they learn to control and strengthen
the PC muscles.
CUT TO HOST:
Cass King:
Good evening, folks and welcome to "Dr. Kegel's Power Hour!",
the show where we develop the most important muscles in our bodies: the
ones that make you …
Studio Audience: SHOOT ACROSS THE ROOM!
CK: Thaaaats right, studio audience, SHOOT A-CROSS the ROOM!!!
Tonight we're going to do a quick review of the basics; and next week
we'll be exploring some hot new rep sets for MEN!
SA: YAAAY!
CK: Okay, let's recap week one… how to locate your pubic floor. What
is the easiest method?
SA: "ONE-TWO-THREE! STOP YOUR PEE!"
CK: That's right: guys and gals can become familiar with the PC muscles
by sitting on the john and stopping the flow of URINE. One, two three!
When you've done it a few times you'll have a good idea of where it is
and what it does! Make sure you're not clenching your thighs or your butt,
because Kegels are all about isolations. We also discussed methods of
contracting and relaxing the PC muscles in sets of 30 seconds for endurance,
and various repetitions for strength. Remember, you can do these anywhere
and nobody will be the wiser!
(Pointing at diagram) Week two we got into some advanced methods of PC
identification. We discovered that the PC muscles run from the pubic bone
to the tail bone, about an inch beneath the skin, and that they support
the pubic organs like a hammock. This means that you can observe the movements
of a healthy PC in men and women by watching what, studio audience?
SA: THE PERENIUM!
CK: The perenium! That marvelous and underrated area between your genitals-and-your-ASS!
When your pubic muscles are buff, you can make your perenium ripple like
triple-chocolate-mocha, the point of which is what, studio audience?
SA: SHOOT ACROSS THE ROOM!
CK: Improved sexual control and prolonged orgasms for women! Multiple
orgasms for men!
SA: YAAAY!
CK: Week three we moved on to digital examination! Please welcome back
to the show
MARY ANNE, our audience volunteer from week three! Mary Anne, as you may
recall, helped demonstrate how to locate your PC muscles by putting her
finger in her VA-GINA!
SA: (APPLAUSE)
CK: That's right, and what Mary Anne found when she did her Kegel contractions
was a RING of muscle about 1-2 inches from the entrance of her vagina.
How wide was the ring, Mary Anne?
MARY ANNE: About the width of a number ten pencil, Cass.
CK: Annnnd let's check it out now: Mary Anne…how many reps have you
been doing?
MA: (climbing on the exam table) I started with three sets of ten every
day, contracting for three seconds, relaxing for three seconds…
CK: That's the three-three-three we're so fond of here… and tell
me, Mary Anne, did you have to set aside any special time to do these
exercises?
MA: (removing pants) No, Cass, I just did them on the bus on the way to
and from work, and sometimes in the middle of important business meetings.
I'm up to five sets of five second contractions now, and just last week
I was able to peel a mandarin orange with my cervix!
SA: (APPLAUSE)
CK: (donning monogrammed surgical glove) That is excellent news! Let's
check on your development: (inserts two fingers into audience participant.)
Mary Anne, your PC muscle is the size of a delicious breakfast sausage!
Congratulations, and keep up the good work!
SA: (APPLAUSE)
CK: Now, let's keep in mind that your PC muscles are just like any others,
they can get TIRED! So start slowly and monitor your bodily reactions,
otherwise you might piss your pants.
SA: BOO!
CK: Okay, that's all the time we have today, tune in next week when we
show you the secrets of prolonged, delayed, and even MULTIPLE ORGASMS
for MEN! Lock the door and bring a hand towel fellas, the next show's
on YOU!
SA: (WILD APPLAUSE)
ROLL CREDITS.
Join us
next week for the conclusion of "Dr. Kegel's Power Hour!!"
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